I started this blog because I wanted to document my journey with God in a combat zone. I really cant explain it, I just kind of thought it was the right thing to do. When I read back on it many times I think to myself, "Man, I cant believe I said that!" some of it is really cool, some of it not so cool. I have always hoped as though it was inspired by God, but mainly I thought it was just my dramatic ramblings trying to figure things out. Until, I have people come up to me or send me messages where they get something out of it, then I believe its inspired by God.
Hang on Im going somewhere with this.....
Last night I was staring out into the desert, alone but not out in the desert alone, just had some alone time. I was thinking to myself, is all this stuff real? God, the story of Jesus, eternal life, light of the world, I'm forgiven, etc. Do I just talk out into outerspace or is someone listening. Am I just a wishful, naive fool, who cant handle the world, so I need to create God? All these things, and more, were running through my head. I really started to get down, feeling as though I am wasting my time. I could elaborate more but I think you all know what I'm talking about, it's called DOUBT.
So I went back to my room, pulled out my Bible, flipped to the gospel of John because he was a known Apostle, and decided to read the entire thing. The main thing I got out of it was that there was this special guy named Jesus, who walked around trying to convince everyone he was the son of God and no one really believed him until he died and rose again. They thought they did, but deep inside they probably didnt. They doubted as we do. People are people.
Lets think about this. He was trying to convince people to believe in love, hope, fellowship, a higher power, forgiveness, patience, giving, helping, all the good things in life people want and need and people just said,"oh he's just another crazy trying to say he's the son of God again". Let's kill him.
So basically the Gospel of John is just Jesus trying to get people to believe in him, he gets crucufied for teaching a message of love and togetherness, then he rises again and people say WOW! I guess he really was the "Word", God, Son of Man.
Anyway, back to me. So, Im reading this and Im thinking well I guess it isnt real because if this guy Jesus was all that, people would have just known and believed, it would have been easy. Typical, flesh driven, face value, easy, instant gratification answer we have become so accustomed too. So....I went to bed feeling as though I was wasting my time, yet, not as depressed as I should have been figuring out that the most important thing in my life had just been proven to be wrong.
At about 5 am, I woke up froma strange dream. There was a guy in my dream who was a really nice Christian guy, the kind of guy thats never drank or cussed, and he was walking down a street and all of the sudden he got hit by an "evil spirit". He fell on the ground and started to flop around and move his arms really wierd. Some bystanders walked by and said, "This guy is really drunk, lets help him". They stood him up and at that moment, a strange booming evil voice came out of him saying, "Are all of your children not inside of me?" It was like I was above it looking down but the voice was talking to me and everyone there. Remember this is just a dream. It was like an evil spirit was attacking. So then, I found myself on the street, going for the door of this strange building where I felt the eveil spirit had run to and I ran up saying,"the son of man is with me" kind of thing and I kicked the door open to get to this evil spirit and I encountered another door but it wouldnt open, the spirit was either afraid or I was being protected because he was stronger than I was but I was in the fight ready to fight! :)
Then it was like I was half awake. I knew I was in my room but was in that wierd half sleep mode, my body was tingling like I have never felt before in my 38 years, as though I had an armor of light on, it was amazing. And I felt something I dont recall ever feeling. I felt childlike, like I had someone with me, protecting me, giving me strength, backing me up, not necessarily making me want to kick ass, but fueled with a grace based energy on the side of rightousness, and I said to myself, "It was just a dream but I like it", "I like having this guy on my side". Then I completely woke up to a huge breathe of air as though something was breathed into me, feeling as though I had just been saved and reborn back into my beliefs. Then I got up and started writing this account.
All I have to say is this. If God didnt exsist would man need to create him? Maybe. Do we talk into outer space, to ourselves sometimes, trying to get to God? Maybe. Do we hope that God real but feel doubt? Absolutely. Do we sometimes feel as though God isnt there for us? Yes. Do we feel as though maybe we are delusional and all the non-believers are on to something we arent? Yes. Do we feel that we are weak because we have to be believe in something we cant see to feel better? Yes. Do we feel like we sacrifice earthly things for no reason? Yes.
Can we live without God now that we have given our life to him? Nope.
We cannot live without God now that Jesus knows who we are. We dont want to, we shouldnt, it sucks without him, doubting sucks, and he will always call us back to him one way or another.
Why did Jesus go around trying to convince us he was "the Word", because he loves us and he wants us to feel comforted by him. We just sometimes cant handle the fact that in a cruel world there is someone, something bigger than us, that wants to be good to us unconditionally.
Everything in life has conditions and the only condition of this is that we accept the love, fellowship, hope, forgiveness, protection and that we believe that Jesus has our backs in the fight.............
We will always doubt, we will always wrestle, one day we will feel as though we walk in the light of the Lord, the next we wont feel him hardly at all. Thats just how it is. If we felt good all the time, if we didnt have issues, if we didnt need a higher power, chances are, we would just forget Jesus died for us. I seem to think that someone out here is alot smarter than we are. Its hard to admit because we know everything but I believe its all true.
Thanks Jesus, I appreciate you in my life, my heart belongs to you I couldnt live without you, I dont want to live without you and I believe you are who you say you are. I will take you with me to my grave whenever that may be. You didnt get ridiculed, beaten and crucified for nothing. You did it all for US and we love you too................